


Normal is for Weirdos

by Ingol



Category: Gintama, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: And the straight man is the main character, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Non-Chronological, Snippets, Where the main character is not the main character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-22 19:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 5,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15589311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingol/pseuds/Ingol
Summary: In a universe where Earth was destroyed, the Gintama cast is given a second chance. Of course, since it's them, nothing can ever be normal.





	1. An obligatory monologue cut short

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be honest here. I have no idea where this is going.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's still the same but different

The sky was blue, the sun rose from the east and Sawada Tsunayoshi wore glasses.

This was a fact of life. Tsunayoshi mourned the collective loss of sanity in this town known as Namimori.

“Glasses! Stop monologuing and get me sukonbu already!” Haru shouted and kicked at him, nailing Tsuna in the butt.

“You shouldn’t rush a pair of glasses. They might break.” Ryohei advised, leaning against the couch, picking his nose.

“Don’t call me that! I’m more than just a pair of glasses!” Tsunayoshi screeched.

Haru tutted. Ryohei shook his head sadly.

“Look, Gin-chan, Glasses went mad.”

“A man will go through an existential crisis to deny the reality of how pitiful and worthless he is.” Ryohei said sagely.

“I don’t have an existential crisis! Acknowledge me as a person for once, dammit!”

“Aah, fine, how pushy. That’s eighty-percent glasses and twenty-person human, Kagura.”

“But Pattsun’s defining trait are his glasses, yes?” Haru asked.

“Kagura. Even if you know that something is the truth, sometimes it’s kinder to not say anything at all.” Ryohei patted Haru on the shoulder.

“I can hear you two!” Tsuna shouted.

“Shouty, shouty. Go get me my sukonbu already!” Haru ordered.

“Get me my strawberry milk too, Pattsun!” Ryohei called out.

He leaned back on the sofa, legs on the coffee table. A life without having to work or scrounging up money for food and rent, this was the life.

Then, Kyoko kicked the door down.


	2. Three brats and their teacher are reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou is still not quite human, the three no-good brats still can't get along, and Takasugi still doesn't know what's a straight man

Time: 2.30 p.m.

Location: ???

The hero and co. were on their way to complete another odd job when they found a notorious villain blocking their path, clouding the way to our hero’s long-lost master—

“Gin-chan! Your sensei gave us ramen!” Haru said with her mouth stuffed full of noodles.

“Oi! Don’t interrupt my internal monologuing, Kagura!” Ryohei said with a dead-eyed look.

“I’m glad to see you’re doing well, Gintoki.” Kawahira said with a kind smile.

Ryohei was patted on the head and handed a bowl of ramen.

“I made that!” Takeshi said proudly.

“No wonder it tastes like shit.” Kyouya mumbled.

“Hah? You ate shit before? Were you so short that when you were pooping the shit splashed and went into your mouth?”

The bowl of ramen was smashed into Ryohei’s face. “You’re the one who’s full of shit!”

“Stop talking about shit when we’re eating!” Tsuna shouted, slamming his hands on the table.

 “You’re the one talking about shit, yes?” Haru kicked Tsuna into the wall. The bowl of ramen he was eating was snatched from the table and quickly scarfed down.

“Kagura! That was mine!” Tsuna yelled.

“You’ve gotten two quite rowdy children, Gintoki.” Kawahira said. “There’s no need to fight over food. Kotarou-kun made a lot.”

“Thanks, Shouyou-san, Katsura-san.” Tsuna said and accepted the new bowl of ramen.

“Zura, I thought you only made onigiri.”

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura! I’ve recently honed my culinary skills after infiltrating into a sushi restaurant.”

“A sushi restaurant sells sushi, not ramen. And you didn’t infiltrate there, you live there.” Kyouya said.

“A samurai does not worry over such petty details.” Takeshi told him seriously. “If you were looking to be a straight man, you should raise your voice like young Shinpachi over there.”

“What’s a straight man?” Kyouya asked.

“Don’t be stupid, Zura. Pattsun here has mastered the straight-manliness of straight men. An idiot like Takasugi will never compare.” Ryohei interrupted, patting Tsuna hard on the back. Tsuna choked on his ramen.

“You killed Glasses!” Haru accused.

“Oh no! He was so young!” Takeshi said.

“Poor Pattsun. He lived a short and dull life. I won’t have anything to say at his funeral.” Ryohei deadpanned.

“He’s still alive.” Kyouya said. “He’s just choking.”

Kawahira patted Tsuna on the back.

“Thank you.” Tsuna said hoarsely, his glasses fogged over.


	3. The person who lands the first hit is always the murderer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinpachi lives in denial about the lack of his beloved Otsuu, Tae is a good sister, Gintoki dies and Takasugi has more common sense than Gintoki (which doesn't amount to much)

Kyouya and Ryohei were fighting again. Their fight took them through the school courtyard, half-way though the teacher’s lounge, then through a wall that landed them into a classroom.

Takeshi lit up at the sight of them, something dark flashing through his eyes as he hoisted up a baseball bat that everyone knew was actually a sword.

Before Takeshi could take a step to join in, Ryohei stumbled into one Sawada Tsunayoshi’s desk, crushing the Walkman that once sat there innocuously.

Tsuna twitched. “Otsuu-chan!” He screamed and stuck his fingers in Ryohei’s nostrils, using brute strength and momentum to throw the older boy.

Ryohei went flying through the glass window.

Tsuna stared at his own hands in a mixture of confusion and despair.

Kyouya looked at the shattered window. Takeshi slowly sat back down in his seat.

“That was great, Shin-chan!” Kyoko clapped and smile cheerily. “I think that Shin-chan deserves a round of applause for overthrowing his mentor, don’t you?”

The class clapped, half of them in awe and the other half in terror.

“I completely agree with you, Otae-chan. Your brother has grown into a fine young man capable of taking care of himself.” Hana said.

“I killed Gin-san.” Tsuna said, horrified. He sank to his knees and looked up at the ceiling, tears flowing from the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry Gin-san! I’ll remember you in the afterlife!”

“Oi! I’m still alive!” Ryohei said flatly, clinging onto the side of the brick wall.

Kyoko walked to the windows, a beautiful smile on her face.

She punched Ryohei in the face, sending him flying. “There. Now he’s dead.” She said.

“There was no need for you to dirty your hands like that, Otae-chan. I would have gladly done the deed in your steed.” Hana said.

“Yes, touching him did leave a stain, Kyuu-chan. But it’s an older sister’s duty to support her younger brother, even in his first kill.” Kyoko said, placing her ‘unstained’ hand to her cheek.

Kyouya quietly walked out of the classroom. Forget enemies; Gintoki’s friends were far more likely to kill him.


	4. Threats and Exploitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard being the normal father of two children who don't consider you a father. In other news, Shouyou is chill and Zura knows enough about food to know that ice cream isn't sushi

It was a normal day in the Sasagawa household.

“So... Children, how was your week?” Papa Sasagawa asked.

“I took over the entire school and overthrew Gin-san.” Kyoko said with a sweet smile.

“You threw me out of the window!” Ryohei said flatly.

“Hm? I think I heard a pest.” Kyoko hummed.

“Urk.” Ryohei twitched. “Stupid female gorillas.” He muttered under his breath.

He screeched when the butt of a naginata impaled the wall next to his head.

“Oi, oi! You trying to kill Gin-san?”

“Children, please settle down.” Papa Sasagawa said tiredly.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, old man. I’m gonna go see Shouyou-sensei now.” Ryohei hopped off the sofa and ran away from the death-trap.

 

* * *

 

At Kawahira’s Antiques, three children were squabbling.

Then, Kawahira walked up to the three of them and punched them all on the head.

“Sensei!” The three boys shouted, clutching their heads.

“Children, you’re all in the wrong. Please apologize to each other.” Kawahira said.

The three children glared at each other.

“Fine. I apologize.” Takeshi said stiffly.

“Yeah, yeah. I accept your apology. Thanks for treating us to a round of sushi at your place.” Ryohei said, pinky in his nostril.

Takeshi blinked. “I don’t remember—”

“I want Yakult to go along with the sashimi.” Kyouya added.

“Eh? Wait!” Takeshi said.

“I want a chocolate parfait!”

“That’s not even sushi anymore!”


	5. Just another day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shouyou is magical, Zura and Takasugi become uncles, a gorilla is rejected again, and Reborn is Confused

“Otae-chan! Marry me!” Kensuke shouted, slamming open the doors and falling to his knees in front of Kyoko’s desk.

“Don’t go around proposing to people!” Tsuna shouted.

“You shouldn’t shout, Shin-chan. It’s unbecoming of a man.” Kyoko said sweetly and swiftly kicked Kensuke through the door. “Stalkers deserve to die, especially gorillas that don’t know how to give up.”

“Otae-chan’s talking about me!” Kensuke sobbed gratuitously.

“...Nee-chan isn’t talking about you at all!” Tsuna shouted.

“There, there, Pattsun. Denial’s not good for you.” Ryohei said, patting Tsuna’s shoulder.

“Where did you come from? Your class is two floors above!” Tsuna screeched.

Ryohei stuck a pinky in his ear. “Don’t question the power of a main character, Pattsun. Even in a crossover, main characters retain their ability to be main characters.”

“That doesn’t even make sense! I’m the main character now!” Tsuna shouted.

“Pattsun, you naive child. Do you really think you’re impressive enough to catch the eyes of readers? Your defining traits are your glasses!” Ryohei pointed at him.

“I have brown fluffy hair.” Tsuna said.

Ryohei paused. He patted Tsuna’s hair and gasped. Somehow, it came off wrong due to how bland his tone was.

“Noooooo.” Ryohei said in flat monotone.

“Don’t worry Gin-chan, you still have white hair.” Haru assured him.

“What the- Kagura! You don’t even go to this school!”

“Don’t question the power of the female lead, Glasses!” Haru pointed a finger at Tsuna, intentionally or unintentionally mimicking Ryohei.

“But you’re not even the female lead in this story!” Tsuna said.

Ryohei put on a pair of reading glasses and took out a book out of nowhere.

“It says here that Sasagawa Kyoko and Miura Haru are Sawada Tsunayoshi’s love interests. The only other person closest to a female lead is this one-eyed chick called Dokuro Chrome.”

“Where did you even get that?!”

“From a godly being.” Ryohei replied.

“He got it from our grandpa.” Haru said in a whisper.

“We don’t have a grandpa— Oh. It’s Shouyou-san, isn’t it.” Tsuna said flatly.

“He’s Grandpa Shouyou. He feeds us!” Haru said in a loud whisper.

The door to the classroom swung open, hanging by its hinges.

“There’s a person-shaped hole in this door.” Takeshi said. He paused. “Kondo-san is dying too.”

“Dogs of the Bafuku should die.” Kyouya said.

“But if Shouyou-san is our grandpa, then...” Tsuna trailed off, looking at the two people who had just entered.

Haru nodded determinedly. “Uncle Zura! Uncle Bakasugi!” She called out.

Takeshi lit up. Kyouya cringed.

“Leader!” Takeshi said. “It’s Katsura.” He said gently.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re treating me to sukonbu and sushi, Uncle Zura.”

“You’re just wheedling food out of Zura.” Kyouya said flatly.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Uncle Katsura!” Takeshi punched Kyouya in the face.

“Good job.” Ryohei patted Haru on the shoulder, wiping a booger on her shirt.

Haru removed her own pinky from her nose and wiped a booger on his sleeve.

“You’re all ridiculous!” Tsuna yelled. “Why is the only other straight man here one that doesn’t even know what a straight man is?” He pointed at a deadpan Kyouya.

“I’m not calling you Uncle.” Kyouya said. “You can go die!” He punched Takeshi in the face in retaliation.

“Oi, Bakasugi! Don’t kill Uncle Zura! He’s the one paying the rent and for our food!” Ryohei said.

“I’m not paying for your food, Gintoki. I’m only paying for Leader’s.” Takeshi said.

“Hear that, Kagura? Your mother’s being starved by your uncle!” Ryohei exclaimed.

“Poor mother.” Haru shook her head sadly. “Left to die alone by Uncle Zura. Father, go and discipline your heartless brother-in-law!”

Haru pointed in the direction of Tsuna and Kyouya.

“...Father, please take care of our unruly Uncle for us.” Tsuna said with an air of someone who had already given up.

“...” Kyouya stared at them. He turned around and tried to walk out of the classroom of insanity.

Keyword: tried.

A naginata impaled the wall, blocking off the exit. “Oh my, is Father abandoning us to go destroy the world again?” Kyoko asked sweetly.

“Nee-chan! Why are you joining in too?” Tsuna whispered furiously.

“Anyone who abandons Otae-chan is a horrible person who must repent for their sins in their next life.” Hana said.

Hidden in a tree a distance away, Reborn slowly put down the binoculars, unsure of what the hell was going on in that classroom.


	6. I'm the main character???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinpachi signed up to be a straight man. He did not sign up for this.

“Tsu-kun, I hired a home-tutor for you!” Nana said.

“Thank you, kaa-san. But I don’t have time for a home tutor.” Tsuna said dully with a general air of despair of someone who has given up on sanity.

Then, someone knocked on the door. Tsuna, being a professional door-opener, opened the door. When he saw no one there, he looked down.

“Ciaossu. I’m the home tutor, Reborn.” The baby said.

Tsuna closed the door. “Kaa-san! I think I’m hallucinating!”

 

* * *

 

After a round of rubber bullets being shot at him, Reborn finally deigned it enough and went straight to the point.

“I’m here to train you to be a mafia boss.” Tsuna’s blank mask shattered.

“Mafia boss.” Tsuna repeated.

“Of the Vongola. The bloodiest criminal empire in the world.” Reborn confirmed, beady eyes staring at him from under the fedora.

Tsuna glanced at the clock. “It’s time for school.” He said, still on autopilot. He walked past Reborn, grabbed his schoolbag and began walking to school.

This was something that Ryohei and Haru were going to badger/laugh/make fun of him about.

Then, a realization struck him.

“I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER!???”

 

* * *

 

“I’m the main character…?” Tsuna muttered.

“Poor Glasses, he’s in shock.” Haru said, patting his shoulder.

Ryohei, in one of his rare fits of sensibilities, had relocated their base of operations to Kawahira’s Antiques where they were safe from prying ears and eyes.

“Pattsun’s been the straight man for so long that he can’t handle the shock of a role as important as the main character.”

“He’s usurping Gin-chan’s position as main character, uh-huh.”

“Don’t be silly, Kagura. Look at that and tell me what you see.”

“A pair of glasses?” Haru said.

“Exactly. He’s nothing more than a pair of glasses. After one arc, the readers will lose interest in him and refocus back onto me, the real main character who has actual defining traits!”

“White hair?” Haru asked.

“It’s silver! Silver!”

“It looks white to me, Gintoki.” Kawahira added unhelpfully.

“Sensei!” Ryohei protested.

“Heh. Even the old man says that you’re an old man, Gin-chan.”

“Can we please go back to me?” Tsuna asked.

“It’s not good to be so self-centred so young, Pattsun. Soon you’ll be asking me for money when Gin-san is grey and old and can’t even support himself.”

“What does that have to do with anything!? This is the mafia we’re talking about! The mafia!” Tsuna shrieked.

“Psh. Mafia, pasta. We stormed through the Shogun’s castle before. This should be easy-peasy.” Ryohei waved a hand carelessly.

“But Gin-san! This is Vongola! The bloodiest criminal empire in current history!”

“Bloodiest? So it’s like a fat pig with lots of meat?” Haru asked sinisterly.

“A criminal empire? So it’s got lots of money?” Ryohei asked with an equally sinister smile.

“…” Tsuna stared at his friends/family/tormentors. “Yes.” He said in utter defeat.

“Alright! Yorozuya Gin-chan is back in action!” Ryohei stood up immediately. “A year’s supply of parfait, here I come!”


	7. Look out, world! Something's coming from above!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Underestimating supposedly untrained civilians isn't a good thing, and defenestration is a thing.

“Look here, kid. Pattsun over here is my brat. So I’m in charge of him and I have precedence over whatever crazy scheme you can cook up.” Ryohei said and pulled out a very official-looking contract that was definitely forged, because Tsuna had never signed a contract of any sort.

“I’m the greatest hitman in the world.” Reborn said simply, gun cocked.

“Maybe in your world, mister hitman. But in ours, I’m the boss.” Ryohei said. A bullet whizzed past his ear and into the wall.

None of the three teenagers reacted, like bullets being shot was an everyday occurrence.

“Of course, as someone working in the Odd-jobs segment, I understand perfectly well your intentions, and the three of us are willing to work for you at a price.” Ryohei said smoothly.

Reborn twitched. This time, he aimed to maim.

The bullet fell onto the ground.

“See, Pattsun? That’s how you conduct a business.” Ryohei was saying, body half-turned to Tsuna who was holding onto a bokuto.

“Gin-san, he tried to shoot you.”

“Semantics. I’m willing to sell my soul for a lifetime of riches.”

“And sukonbu.”

“And parfait.”

“And Sadaharu.”

“And Ketsuno Ana—” Ryohei stopped, turning to stare at Haru. “You found that mutt again?”

“Sadaharu’s running free in the mountains now, Gin-chan. He’s having so much fun with his new friends, uh-huh.”

“Aren’t there tigers in the mountains? Will Sadaharu be fine?” Tsuna fretted.

“Pattsun, Sadaharu eats tigers for breakfast. That mutt can take on a god and come out of it alive.” Ryohei scoffed. He tilted his head and let a bullet whizz past him.

“Dame-Tsuna. It’s rude to ignore your betters.” Reborn said, apparently irate over being ignored in favour of mindless chatter. He made a mental note to look into this Odd-job business and the three children.

“Oi, oi. Look here, kid. Just cause you’re upset doesn’t mean you should throw a tantrum. Guns are dangerous, you know.” Ryohei said. The muzzle of the gun was pointed at his forehead.

“Gin-san!” Tsuna gasped.

Ryohei’s smile took on a strained edge. “Kagura. Remember formation ‘Z’?”

Haru got up. “ZURA!” She yelled out the window.

“Not that formation ‘Z’!” Ryohei shouted.

Tsuna stared at the two of them, then at the irritated hitman.

“Gin-san, I think you’re upsetting him.” Tsuna said, placing the bokuto on the ground next to Ryohei.

Before Reborn could actually go through the temptation of pulling the trigger, his gun was cut into two pieces.

“Now that that’s over with, don’t you think you should sit down and talk like a civilised person, Borno-san?”

“My name is Reborn.” Reborn said, pulling out another gun from god-knows-where.

“Yeah, yeah. What I said. Bobo-san.”

Reborn pulled the trigger. A bullet landed on the ground harmlessly. Reborn narrowed his eyes. Ryohei’s skill with a sword was admirable, fast enough that he almost missed the movement of the bokuto.

Reborn fired a few more shots. None of the bullets landed.

“Well, can’t say I didn’t try. Kagura, you know what to do with uncooperative customers?”

“Throw them out, yes?” Haru asked. She picked up Reborn. Before Reborn could actually comprehend that an actual civilian girl dared to do this to him, the Greatest Hitman in the world, he was thrown out the window.


	8. Life B.C (Before Chaos)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsuyoshi gets yet another glimpse at his son's friends. They weren't what he was expecting.  
> Rock paper scissors = Punch block stab

“Gin-chan! I’m hungry!”

“You just ate!”

“I’m starving. Can’t move.” Tsuna lay under the kotatsu, face-up.

“Oi, not you too!” Ryohei scowled.

“Be a responsible adult and buy us food!” Haru waved him away.

“With what money?”

“With the money that you get from exploiting child labour.”

Ryohei hemmed and hawed but still got up from under the kotatsu. “You owe me for this, you brats.”

“You need to get toilet paper too, Gin-san! You used up the last of it!”

“And dog food for Sadaharu! I’m bringing him back here!”

“Hagen-Daaz too! My sister ran out and she’s been upset ever since!”

“And—”

“Are you brats trying to make me go broke?” Ryohei snapped.

“Yes.” “Yep.”

It was at that moment that the doorbell rang.

“We have a doorbell?” Haru asked dubiously.

“It came with the house, Kagura.” Tsuna explained.

Ryohei hesitated, then walked back and sat back down under the kotatsu, adopting a lazed position.

“Gin-chan, stop being so lazy.” Haru said, flicking a booger at him.

“Gin-san, go get the door. What if it’s a customer?”

“No way. Getting the door is your job, Pattsun.” Ryohei yawned and scratched his exposed stomach.

“Kagura, you’re closer to the door.” Tsuna said.

Immediately, there was a snore. “Go…zzz… Gin-chan…zzz…”

“Oi! You’re obviously faking it!” Ryohei snapped.

There was a stare-off between the three of them.

“Rock paper scissors!” Tsuna suggested.

Three fists came up.

“Rock, paper, scissors!”

Ryohei was sent flying with a punch.

“Super-punch, hi-yah!” Haru shouted, a fist in the air.

Ryohei crashed through the door.

“…Yorozuya Gin-chan. How may we help you?” Ryohei asked with a straight face, like being sent flying through doors was a normal occurrence.

Yamamato Tsuyoshi gave him a concerned look.

“Takeshi had kendo training, but he requested that I bring over some sushi for a… ‘Leader’.”

Haru jumped up, upturning the kotatsu.

“Kagura!” Tsuna hissed.

“That’s mine!” Haru shouted, making grabby hands.

“Oi, oi! Where’s mine, old man?” Ryohei demanded.

“Kagura-chan, you’re sharing that, right?” Tsuna asked, getting up.

Haru snatched the box from Tsuyoshi’s hands and started scarfing them down.

Ryohei tackled her and swiped a piece of sushi from the box, stuffing it into his mouth.

“Guys! Leave some for me too!” Tsuna cried, jumping into the fray, willing to risk his life for the long-forgotten taste of good food.

Tsuyoshi stared at the spectacle and silently walked away. If he thought that his son was weird, Takeshi’s friends were even weirder.


	9. Introducing... Smoking Bomb- No wait- Smoking Blade Hayato!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata is introduced! And Reborn finally gets answers (haha, not really)

Reborn’s every attempt to terrorize Sawada Tsunayoshi ended in general failure.

The dogs that he had tried to set on Tsuna ended up being caught by Haru who had named each of them Sadaharu and subsequently crushed all of them to death. She cried about it after, which made no sense. (Her strength was admittedly impressive)

Shooting rubber bullets at Tsuna had garnered minimal reaction. The bespectacled boy had let the bullets bounce off him harmlessly with the look of someone who was tired of the universe’s shit.

Electrocuting him awake gave a reaction, but that made Tsuna declare ‘a sleepover with nee-chan’.

Reborn couldn’t find out who that referred to and any attempts at finding out where Tsuna went to after school left him dazed— an indication of a powerful Mist.

It was incredibly frustrating.

Reborn decided to move on with his plans and contact a possible Storm Guardian.

 

* * *

 

Gokudera Hayato.

Also known as the Smoking Blade.

It was a miracle and a testament to his strength that a bastard like this was still alive and kicking.

“That’s my target?” Hayato asked, cigarette between his lips.

“Kill him and you’ll be the next Vongola Boss.”

Hayato snorted. He unsheathed his blade.

“Wait a minute! There’s no need to fight!” Tsuna screeched.

“Pattsun! Shut up! I can’t hear Ketsuno Ana’s voice with you shouting at everything!” Ryohei leaned out the classroom window and shouted.

“Ketsuno Ana doesn’t even exist here, you shitty perm-headed freak!”

Tsuna closed his mouth. He wasn’t the one who said that.

“H-Hijikata-san?” Tsuna muttered.

“Tch. Of course it would be the Yorozuya’s brat.” Hayato puffed on his cigarette.

“...Kondo-san is here too. Mochida Kensuke.” Tsuna offered.

“Heh. Thanks brat. Whaddya say we finish this in one strike?” Hayato smirked.

“Hijikata-san,” Tsuna started, “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?” He yelled.

“Gin-san! The Vice-Chief is trying to kill me!” Tsuna yelled.

“Tell that stupid tax-robber that the Queen of Namimori forbids it!” Haru shouted from the windows.

“Kagura-chan! Where did you even come from? This isn’t your school!”

“I’m the Queen of Namimori! I do what I want!” Haru sniffed.

“Whatever. It’s not honorable to fight with someone that doesn’t have a weapon.” Hayato sheathed his blade.

“Oi! Gorilla! I’m back!”

“Toshi!” Out of nowhere, Kensuke appeared. His face lit up and he had his arms wide open. Hayato let the supposed civilian boy wrap him in an embrace.

Reborn stared at the proceedings, then glared down at Tsuna from his perch in the tree.

 

* * *

 

“How do you know each other?” Reborn demanded.

“...We met during a terrorist attack.” Tsuna said.

Behind Reborn, Ryohei raised a place-card with the number ‘2’.

“Your storytelling needs work, Glasses. Where’s the oomph and the boomph and all the explosions? A good backstory needs action, uh-huh.” Haru waggled a finger.

“Nothing like getting blown up to forge a beautiful, indescribable relationship.” Ryohei agreed.

“I met Toshi when he was just a Baragaki. They grow up so fast.” Kensuke sniffled. He took a tissue and blew his nose.

“Gorilla, if you’re sick then go home. You’re gonna spread the cold.” Kyoko said sweetly.

“Otae-chan is such a caring woman...” Kensuke sniffled some more.

“Oi, oi. I thought that idiots didn’t get colds.” Ryohei whispered.

“Of course they do. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t have to take care of you and Kagura-chan when you were sick.”

There was a loud crash and a human-shaped hole in the wall.

Hayato took a long drag from the cigarette.

“Gorilla- I mean, Kondo- you alright?”

“I’m fine Toshi!” Was the answering shout.

 

* * *

 

It took a lot of wheedling and fine manipulation, but Reborn managed to get something resembling a plausible story out from Ryohei.

They were online friends who met in a game under different usernames, and managed to bond with each other after years of playing.

“...and then Gin-san kicked Oogushi-kun off the train and won the battle.”

“That never happened, you bastard!”

“Denial, denial.” Ryohei sang.

Hayato bit right though the cigarette, looking like he was going to murder the white-haired boy right there and then.

He tried. It was only Kensuke’s strong grip that kept him from actually doing it.


	10. The romantics might not get their romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata tries to get reacquainted with his world

“Oi, Yorozuya.”

“What is it, Hijikata-kun?” Ryohei leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head.

“You’re fine with your kid being in the mafia?”

“Pattsun’s strong. He’ll be fine.” Ryohei waved a hand. “’Sides, you survived, right?”

“Yeah- Hey wait a minute! What the hell’s that supposed to mean, you sugar-addict?”

“You don’t get it Mayora? I’m saying that Pattsun’s smarter than you!”

Hayato gritted his teeth, snarling at the white-haired boy.

“I mean, you couldn’t even arrest an idiot like Zura.” Ryohei added languidly.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” Takeshi kicked the door down. The door smashed into Ryohei, sending him tumbling.

Hayato twitched, obviously fighting the ingrained instinct to chase after the former terrorist.

“Katsura-san!” And that was Tsuna’s usual screeching. “We just got that door replaced!”

“Gin-chan sure likes doors, uh-huh.” Haru said, sipping at a carton of strawberry milk.

“Kagura! That’s mine!” Ryohei got up and tried to snatch the milk from Haru.

A punch sent him flying again. He landed on the broken door, further breaking the wood into even more pieces.

“Only selfish old men would snatch food away from a poor helpless child.” Haru said.

“I don’t see anything like that anywhere.” Ryohei groaned.

The empty milk carton bounced off his head and landed on the floor.

“Well.” Hayato said in the ensuing silence. “I’ll be going now.” He said in a tone that described how badly he wanted to get out of the room before the Yorozuya trio (duo actually) could gang up on him.

 

* * *

 

Leaving Kensuke alone for fifteen odd years was a mistake.

Hayato stared at the interior of the kendo club. Dimly, he noted that Takeshi was practising at the side. More importantly…

“Kondo. Why the hell is Shimura’s face pasted on every wall?”

“I thought that it would be good motivation for my members!” Kensuke said. “Seeing an angel’s face will motivate people to work harder!”

Hayato turned to look at Takeshi who would look up at a wall every once in a while, shudder and resume his swings with something akin to fear or wariness in his eyes.

“You’re not worried that… others would fall in love with her too?” Hayato asked carefully.

“Oh, that. You worry too much, Toshi. All the members told me that they were in full support of me and Otae-chan getting together!”

“…” Hayato looked at a kendo club member who looked close to tears at the mention of her name. “I see.” He said simply.


	11. Finding Ellie (Part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zura is still horrible at making ads, Gintoki is fed up and Tae just wants her beauty sleep

“No.” Ryohei said immediately.

“Gintoki, please.” Takeshi pleaded.

“No way in hell.” Ryohei said again.

“Gintoki, you know what she means to me!”

“No means no.”

Takeshi wilted. He looked up at Ryohei with a look of despair.

Ryohei got up and walked out the door.

 

* * *

 

“Gintoki!” Takeshi shouted.

Ryohei buried his head under the pillow. His door opened.

“Gin-san.” Kyoko said sweetly. “Make. Him. Stop.” She said with a wide smile and gritted teeth.

Ryohei blinked up at her, noted her bedhead and the way her eyes were glaring at him like she was planning to ruin his life slowly and painfully, then laid his head back on the pillow.

“Tomorrow.” He mumbled.

“Now.” Kyoko said. The air in the room grew colder. Ryohei shivered and pulled the blanket up around his shoulders.

He barely had a second to enjoy the warmth before he was kicked through the wall.

Ryohei landed on the ground in front of Takeshi. Takeshi lowered the megaphone. “You will help me?” He asked brightly.

Ryohei groaned.

 

* * *

 

“I’m tellin’ ya, your creepy duck will be fine!” Ryohei scowled.

“Elizabeth isn’t creepy!” Takeshi shouted.

Ryohei raised an unimpressed eyebrow. The cup of hot chocolate missed his lips and landed on his lap. He looked down, then at the cup.

“There’s something wrong with this thing.” He said.

“Another cup of hot chocolate please.” Takeshi said.

The tired waitress nodded and came back with another hot chocolate.

Ryohei took it and some actually got into his mouth this time.

He swallowed. “Do you even know what Elizabeth came back as?”

“Of course I don’t! I put in an ad in a newspaper too, but no one responded.” Takeshi handed Ryohei a scrap of newspaper.

‘LOOKING FOR LOST COMPANION. RESPONDS TO ELIZABETH. MAY LOOK LIKE A GIANT DUCK. IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL XX-XXX-XX.’

“Your ad is shit, Zura.” Ryohei said flatly.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura.” Takeshi replied, pouring his coffee into Ryohei’s cup of hot chocolate. Ryohei brought the cup up to his lips, took a sip and spat it back out in Takeshi’s face.

“Gintoki. I’m worried.” Takeshi admitted. He lowered his eyes to the empty cup, as if ashamed.

“Your creepy duck will be fine. That thing survived taking over an enemy ship with you.”

“Elizabeth isn’t creepy. She’s not a thing either!” Takeshi said, affronted.

“Ugh, shut up. I’ll help, alright?” Ryohei got up. “Hey, lady! This guy’s paying for my tab!” He pointed at Takeshi and left before Takeshi could protest.


	12. Rankings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subject to change

Ranking of Ten Strongest People in Namimori Middle School

  1. Sasagawa Ryohei
  2. Hibari Kyouya
  3. Yamamoto Takeshi
  4. Gokudera Hayato
  5. Mochida Kensuke
  6. Miura Haru
  7. Kusakabe Tetsuya
  8. Sawada Tsunayoshi
  9. Kurokawa Hana
  10. Sasagawa Kyoko




	13. The Queen said, 'Off with his head!'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tae is the undisputed ruler of Namimori.

When a boorish boy hunted down Kyoko, it was to a sight of bloodshed and carnage.

“It’s so hard being the Queen of Namimori sometimes, don’t you agree, Kyuu-chan?” Kyoko asked.

“Yes, of course, Otae-chan.” Hana agreed seriously.

“All these horrible thugs, encroaching on my territory! Can you imagine?”

“It pains my heart, Otae-chan.”

“Hopefully they’ll learn from my magnanimity.”

“They’re only so fortunate to be able to bask in your presence.” Hana assured her.

Kyoko giggled. “You’re too kind, Kyuu-chan.” She glanced in Ken’s direction. “Oh my, it seems that we may have missed one.”

Ken, despite how reckless he was, wasn’t an idiot. He skedaddled.

“Otae-chan did not permit you to go.” Hana’s sword was fast and light. The blade rested lightly at Ken’s neck.

“You weren’t going to hunt down a defenceless damsel, were you?” Kyoko smiled, a naginata appearing in her hands.

Ken didn’t even have time to scream.


	14. Old friends are hypocrites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An attempt to be serious fails, and introducing... the Loud-Mouthed Fellow!

Sometimes, Ryohei dreamt of blood red on pure white.

‘Shiroyasha.’ They would spit like a curse—it probably was.

How ironic that Ryohei would have white hair and red eyes in this lifetime as well.

“Shiroyasha.” Kyouya would sneer sometimes when he was pissed at Ryohei, a blatant jab at the abnormal features that he had retained in this life.

Ryohei brushed it off with practised ease. “Fuck off, Takachibi.”

“Language.” Kawahira interrupted.

The two boys glared at each other.

“Quack!” A loud sound made the two of them jump back. A white duck waddled in between them and paused, giving each of the two boys a look of disdain.

Takeshi cooed.

The two boys shared an identical look of understanding.

“Keep your duck under control, you idiot!”

 

* * *

 

“A potential ally will be coming to Namimori to scout out the next heir of the Vongola.”

“Good to know.” Tsuna said. He had an apron on and was cleaning the room.

Outside, there was a lot of shouting, which meant that Hayato was fighting with Ryohei again.

Reborn had absolutely no idea how Smoking Blade Hayato was so close to a civilian like Mochida Kensuke, but it was something that he could work with.

 

* * *

 

“Hey… You don’t think that Loud-mouthed Fellow came too, right?” Ryohei muttered.

Tsuna turned to him. “Gin-san, you’re not talking about Saka—”

“Ahahaha! So this is Namimori!”

“…That’s him alright.” Ryohei sighed.

He took a few steps forward to the red-haired teen and punched him in the face. “Shut up, laughing idiot!”

“Ahahaha! Kintoki, you’re here too?” Naito Longchamp looked up and grinned.

Ryohei kicked the mafia heir in the face.


	15. Finding Ellie (Part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one likes bullies, the Yorozuya is reunited and the search for Ellie goes on.

Reborn stared at the notice posted on the door of the Yorozuya’s usual place.

‘Going out to find a ~~creepy alien duck~~ ~~absolutely adorable Elizabeth~~ ~~creepy duck~~ ~~how dare you! Elizabeth isn’t creepy!~~ ~~you don’t know shit zura~~ ~~shut up gintoki~~ ~~you shut up I’m helping you outta my own free will~~ ~~I’m paying you~~ ’ There was a sharp jagged line where the paper had presumably been snatched away. ‘Going out on an errand. Will be back within a week. Please send all requests to Kawahira’s Antiques.’ The writing at the end was much neater and without any of the previous disruptions.

Reborn tilted his fedora so that it shadowed his face in an appropriately dramatic manner.

His student really was troublesome… and deserved a punishment for not informing his tutor of his plans.

 

* * *

 

“Gin-san, I can feel Reborn-san cursing me.” Tsuna said.

“Oi, Pattsun, don’t tell me you’re scared of that kid?” Ryohei snorted.

“Bullies like that need to be punched and taught a lesson, uh-huh!” Haru said, holding up a fist. She turned to look at Tsuna expectantly.

“There’s no way I can fight against someone with a gun!” Tsuna screeched.

“Yeah, that’s one weird kid, alright.” Ryohei nodded.

Any further conversation was cut off when their ride tried to jump across a ravine and missed.

“Sadaharu!” Haru screamed, hugging onto the beast’s neck. Ryohei grabbed onto Haru’s shoulder with a hand and Tsuna’s shin with the other.

They fell.

 

* * *

 

“I’m gonna kill Zura.” Ryohei groaned.

“You’re the one who agreed to find Ellie, Gin-chan.” Haru scowled, patting Sadaharu on the head.

Sadaharu whined. “Arf arf, aarrf.” He said accusingly.

“You’re the idiot that missed a jump!” Ryohei smacked the dog on the nose. Sadaharu howled and slapped Ryohei, leaving behind a set of claw marks on his face.

“Gin-san! There’s an opening over there!” Tsuna said, holding up a torch.

“How’d you get the fire, Shinpachi?” Haru asked.

Tsuna stared at her and held up a finger. The finger burst into an orange flame. “This is my life now.” He said with the blank look that Ryohei usually wore.

Haru patted him on the back sympathetically. Tsuna was sent smashing into the rock wall.

The torch fell onto the ground. Somehow, the sandy ground caught fire.

“Oops.” Haru said.

 

* * *

 

They made it out- they always did, it was the power of the protagonist.

The fire in the ravine raged on, and three beings watched on silently.

“Poor Glasses.” Ryohei said.

“He lived an uneventful life.” Haru added, covering her eyes.

“Aroo…” Sadaharu bowed his head.

“I’ll miss his cooking.” Haru sighed.

“And his cleaning.” Ryohei gazed down with a look of indescribable sadness.

“Arf arf arf ruff.”

“I’m right here!” Tsuna, sans spectacles, shouted.


End file.
